CDC releases tips for COVID-19 and quarantine survival



Coughing into your hands in public places can often make busy stores more navigable

Owen Phillips

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a list of tips and tricks designed to help people avoid the coronavirus this week after a disastrous press conference hearing where a reporter who coughed during the meeting was burned at the stake by his colleagues.


CDC Director Robert R. Redfield said in an official statement released with the list, “We understand that people are worried, but if everyone could just like, cool their jets for a hot minute we’ll figure this out. I know what I’m doing, I was at the forefront of research for HIV/AIDS vaccinations in 1992, and look how great that turned out.”


The CDC list contained some 387 tips for preventing the spread of the disease, the best ways to impose a self-quarantine, and what to do if someone contracts the virus. Some of the tips are shared below.


#28: Try to avoid going out in public except for necessary items or emergencies like grocery shopping, a sale at Best Buy or a $47 flight to Italy.


#109: To avoid crowds at the store, go at low-traffic hours like the dead of night or eight months ago.

#237: Keep any quarantined students engaged in the learning process, cause it’ll really suck if they start sleeping until 3 p.m. and then they have to go back to school for most of the month of May.


#264: Wash hands thoroughly after touching any surface, and try to sleep standing up in the corner like in “The Blair Witch Project,” away from your spouse to avoid any unnecessary contact.


#305: If the world falls into anarchy, the best way to de-stress during quarantine and survive the social apocalypse is by starting a vegetable garden.


#386: Folks it’s gonna be rough waters not gonna lie.


#387: Sneeze into your elbow in a pinch, but try to use a tissue if you can.


Updates will be posted as they come.