Valentines Day as an Alpha Male

Lucas Furbee, Staff Writer

As an Alpha male, I am most definitely qualified to talk about single activities. I am extremely qualified for this because I am most possibly the most single person you know. This is because I’m too alpha and no one can handle my pure greatness. The definition of alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet (Α, α), translated as ‘a.’ My name is spelled with letters, which are in the alphabet, so that is one more reason that I am Alpha. 

Another reason for why I am an Alpha male is because I know why fire trucks are red. There are 4 men on a fire truck and 8 tires on a fire truck. 4+8=12. 12 inches = a foot. A foot is also a ruler. Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ship. Ships sail on the seas. Fish are in the seas. Fish have fins. The Fins fought the Russians and fire trucks are always “Russian around” . I know this because I am in fact an Alpha male and way more awesomer (sorry Mr. Belcik) than most other men. 

My “Alpha Male Valentine’s Day” activities include going to work after I get out of school, and working until 5:01 because I’vegot to pay those bills. Then, I will go home and not feed my animals because they will survive. Next, I will go into the house and have a 69 hour Farming Simulator marathon while listening to Joe Rogan and Ben Shapiro to deepen my knowledge for when I have to debate with the blue-haired girl at school that barks at me. Then, I will take a 4:23 freezing cold shower, allowing just enough time to listen to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s song, while eating 2 dozen raw eggs to max my gains. I also get out and brush my teeth and then walk to the kitchen and drink orange juice and make a bowl of cereal. Obviously pouring milk and then the cereal. 

These are my activities on Valentines day as a single Alpha male.